“Is the self-help industry gaslighting you?”

I came across a cute instagram graphic in my scrolling this morning that said this, and I realized I have A Lot Of Thoughts on this topic…so I thought I’d share a few with you today, in case you ever feel a bit like the constant social media onslaught of positive-thinking affirmations and “good vibes only” thing is a biiiiiiiiit much.

Here’s the thing: good vibes are important. They create kindness, love, and compassion in your life and in the world at large.

And like the old Buddhist teaching says, “with your mind you create the world.”

100%

Your create your personal reality with the contents of your mind (conscious and subconscious), and by interacting with the world at large contribute to creating that as well.

Your perception of what is going on in your life, in the world around you, and in your very own MIND determines so much of how you feel, and what you think is possible for you.

My mother’s old zen teacher used to say, “just because there’s mud doesn’t mean you have to roll around in it” and I always remember that when I read the news, in particular.

We have a lot of broken systems and institutions in our world, and a lot of people who have been harmed (and continue to be harmed) by these systems and institutions of privilege.

And here’s where I think it can get a little murky and muddy and some of us may feel like the self-help, personal development, coaching, or overly-positive spiritual communities are “gaslighting” us.

Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and the oppression and related trauma that can come from being part of any marginalized group is real. 

It affects people on deep levels. It may have affected you. 

And you don’t need to feel like you should be able to “positive affirmation” or “manifest” your way out of having negative thoughts, feelings, or situations in your life if this (or anything else) is the case, and these things feel like they’re inauthentic to your lived experiences.

You didn’t “manifest” something negative or traumatic into your life, you didn’t do something wrong, and it’s not somehow you fault.

And you’re certainly not broken if you’re still struggling. (Pro-tip: everyone is “struggling” to some degree, even those who appear to have their shit together in some ways.)

Human experience comes in more shades and layers than a single person can really comprehend, and wherever you are right now is fine.

It’s also fine to want more, and to want to change. 

It’s more than fine, actually – I think it’s inherent in the human condition to want to grow, heal, and evolve to feeling more comfortable in ourselves and our lives.

The feeling that someone is trying to “gaslight” you comes when what they’re teaching, sharing, or selling either outright says or even just implies that there is something wrong with you or your situation, and that only they or a certain way of thinking/being/doing/having can “fix” you.

But the main problem lies in anything that makes it seem like your experience is wrong, bad, or you’re to blame for it.

Each one of us can take responsibility for healing our experience, trauma, or something that we no longer wish to experience, but we don’t need to take blame for it nor believe we deserve it or called it upon ourselves.

Responsibility can say “I made a mistake that led to my current circumstances and I’m willing to own that, change my perspective and actions, and move forward” and responsibility can also say “something awful happened to me because of where I was at a certain time, it was not my fault but I can now choose to do what needs to be done to heal the hurt parts of me and move forward.” 

Only you know exactly what parts of your current situation, perspective, or feelings you are responsible for, but with a little reflection (help, therapy, etc) you can determine this AND determine how and where to shift your perspective to one of this healing and moving forward.

There are a lot of paradoxes and contradictions in life, and while I do think there is a lesson to be learned in everything, and anything can be healed and shifted to allow for “positivity” I also think we need to be wary of “everything happens for a reason” when it turns into spiritual by-passing and denial of honest experience.

You get to feel bad vibes, if that’s where you’re at right now.

To move through something, you generally need to shine some light on it to see what’s actually there.

But like the old zen master said, you don’t need to roll around in it, which to me is also something to be acutely aware of.

Because we also like to argue for our comfort zones and our limitations, a less helpful part of the human condition than seeking growth 😉

There are a lot of systems stacked against a lot of people right now, and a lot of institutionalized harm being played out daily. It’s A Lot to handle, and it’s ultimately up to those of us who see it for what it is to change, dismantle, and rebuild these systems – which does mean we need to have some level of optimism + positivity that this can be done, and to not shut up about it until it is.

I wanted to share these thoughts with you today, because it’s “Raise Your Vibration” month in the More Than A Meatsuit community, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic of “feeling good,” why we often don’t, and what are the appropriate actions to be taking to “raise your vibration” while also honouring where you may be at right now if it feels less than “raised.”

And here’s my take: “raising your vibration” IS about being 100% present in the moment, even with shit that feels hard and, well, shitty.

It’s acknowledging that things may seem like a hot mess, while doing your best to release any baggage or piling on of additional negative thoughts and beliefs that will compound the hot mess into an even messier one.

It’s not patching over anything ugly with positive affirmations that feel fake, but taking a moment to decide which “high vibe” feelings YOU truly value and desire to feel (abundance? Unconditional love? Wonder and awe at the magic of life? Healthy and strong? Powerful? etc!) and then knowing that YOU have the power and the responsibility to go about cultivating those feelings in yourself.

Because not taking blame also means not placing blame, or giving your power away.

You get to work on removing the blocks that stand in your way, and that may in the short term mean moments of feeling shittier and “low vibe” – but trusting that it is the path to your highest good. The more you move through your healing, your “vibe” or sense of wellbeing will naturally rise, regardless of outside (or inside) circumstances.

Literally the only thing we have “control” over in life is how we internally react to outside circumstances AND to our own internal thoughts, beliefs, and processes.

I still feel like this barely scratches the surface of this topic, because it’s such a big one – and I have more I’ll say at other times.

But for today I just want you to know that ALL “vibes” are welcome here.

Whatever you’re feeling or going through is never wrong, there’s a lot of jacked up shit going on in the world that may have harmed you or caused you to believe that something about you is wrong or broken but that. is. not. ever. the. case.

You can always call your power back, by knowing you have the power to do so 😉

You’re perfect.

I love you.

July is “Raise Your Vibration” month in the MTAMS community, and our exercise this week is one to call back your personal power to cleansing, strengthening, and “protecting” your energy. I think you’ll love it. You can find out more about the community, and join if you feel called over here.